It’s important to note that these ideas are not simply my own. They are a collection of concepts that I have shaped to create a reframe of what is commonly referred to as “setting boundaries.” This reframe is rooted in the idea that boundaries are simply a means to an end. When arriving to a place and space where a boundary may seem to fit, my toss to anyone reading is to consider this…

A few years ago I was on a call with 50 or so folks who gathered to learn from the incredible Katie Hendricks and the staff of The Hendricks Institute. During that call, we were discussing co-creation through relationship and the importance of making agreements. A question bubbled up for me: “where do boundaries come in?” What I thought was an obvious question was met with an unconventional, yet even more obvious answer.

Katie asked “would you show me with your body what a boundary looks like?” I responded by putting my hands in front of me, pushing forward to create a wall. She asked me how that felt, and I noted the tension that was created in my shoulders, neck and back. It was then that I realized that my understanding and deeper knowing of a boundary was in direct conflict with the purpose of relationship: co-creation.

In a conversation with my therapist, I brought up this experience and my concerns about the colloquial usage and practice of “boundaries.” More and more I have realized how “fighty” the energy is around it. My therapist responded, sharing the same concern. She mentioned that she tends to steer her clients away from this verbiage, as the common understanding and practice of “putting up boundaries” is only a small portion of the work.

After a few months of research, deep conversations and lots of processing, I landed on some ideas and verbiage that I was ready to propose as an alternative to the common understanding of boundaries. A dear friend of mine, Pastor Shanté Buckley, invited me to speak with her in front of her congregation to share these insights. Shanté had theorized that some in her congregation may have similar relationships to the idea of setting boundaries that I had before making this shift. She was right.

We opened the conversation by inviting everyone seated before us to show with their bodies what a boundary looked like. Across the room we saw folded arms, walls made with hands, and a general sense closed off-ness. When I asked the room how that felt, I could see the responses were similar to mine. With that, we continued and I presented my collection of findings which I am excited to share with you.

Commitments are chosen principles/values made within ourselves that honor and promote action that aligns with our own essence and purpose. An example being, “I commit to moving through the world with honesty and integrity.”

1. Commitments

Agreements are the acknowledgement, acceptance and allowance of another to co-create with us and our willingness to reciprocate. It is a transaction, spoken and sometimes unspoken. They are in essence, protection through connection. An example being, “as friends, we value and respect each other.”

2. Agreements

Boundaries are the living threshold of your commitments that allow or disallow co-creation with others. Enforcing a boundary would be an example of protection through disconnection.

3. Boundaries

Boundaries, reframed.

Commitments

With these definitions and their examples in mind…

Allow me to illustrate how I experience them in action. Let’s say a friend of mine did something dishonest by purposefully withholding truth in my presence. I immediately experience an “icky” feeling. For me, this feeling is in my gut and rises to my throat. What I am experiencing here is a misalignment with my commitment of “moving through the world with honesty and integrity.”

What do I do now? As friends we have an agreement to “value and respect each other,” which to me includes honoring the commitments within each of us (whether that agreement has been spoken, or is simply understood). I have a choice. Protection through disconnection or protection through connection. I can revisit my agreement with this friend or enforce a boundary. If I genuinely care for this person, feel safe in their presence and believe there is more to co-create here, I will choose connection and revisit our agreement.

Let’s say I didn’t do anything here. This feeling would sit in me for days and its presence would take up much of my energy until ultimately manifesting in a very real physical ailment. It has happened before!

Revisiting an agreement can happen in a variety of ways and methods of conversation, but the key here is to speak from experience and use my unarguable truth. Confrontation can arise here, but I have the power to control my own emotions by honoring my experience. I could do this by telling my friend something like…

“I am not sure if this was your intention, but I got the feeling that you withheld the truth in my presence. This idea made me feel very uncomfortable and it is important to me that I move through the world with honesty and integrity. I value our friendship and want to know if we can agree to be honest in each other’s presence moving forward?”  

It is now up to my friend to receive what I have to say and respond. Regardless of their response, I have given voice to my feelings, and honored my commitments, free of blame.

This is a mild example, but here in this moment of choice is where I sense that “putting up boundaries” is walling us off from each other and ourselves, keeping us from understanding the core of the fear, stress and anxiety.

Now obviously in the situation of being physically and/or emotionally unsafe, enforcing boundaries as a means of protection through disconnection is critical.

That said, I wonder if we are jumping too quickly to “protection” through disconnection? Has the concept of boundaries become a boundary itself?