Joy
Happy Holidays Friends! Tis’ the season and this week I want to talk about the emotion most closely tied to the holidays… joy. Let’s dive in.
Whoever is the publicist for the word “joy” has outdone themselves, especially during the holiday season. You’ve got songs, decorations, throw pillows, reclaimed wood signs with vinyl lettering… joy seems to be everywhere. But what ~is~ joy? How do we experience it?
Brene Brown defines joy as “an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.” In her book, Atlas of the Heart, Brene also makes a point to highlight the difference between joy and happiness. She defines happiness as “a feeling of pleasure often related to the immediate environment or current circumstances.” For context, if we were looking at sliding scale from contentment to euphoria, happiness would be closer to contentment and joy would be closer to euphoria.
In order for us to understand and open ourselves to joy, we must first look at presence. Without being present, we cannot experience the power of this emotion.
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Think about a piece of furniture in your house that you love. Do you remember what it felt like to touch it for the first time? To feel the material it is made of and know it’s exactly what you were hoping for? This is an example of presence: connecting your attention to what is in front of you and integrating your senses.
Presence is more than just the “right now.” Just as the experience of time is relative to each of us, so is the experience of presence. We are physically located “here” in the present, but if you’re like me, we also spend a lot of our time somewhere else. Personally, I spend a lot of time fixating on the past or anxious about the future, which means my attention is not located in the same space and time that my body is. Rather than generating emotion from my current experience, I am generating physical responses (releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol) based on things that are not actually happening. Because of this, I am missing what is right in front of me. Rather than looking out the window at the beautiful Christmas lights that I am passing by, I am checking my bank balance or second guessing an email I already sent.
What I have come to understand is that the absence of presence is actually suffering… undergoing pain or distress that in many cases, is unnecessary and untethered to reality. Even reminiscing on something joyful is tricky because that faint spark of joy can shift quickly into a feeling of longing. However, when you’re reminiscing with loved ones, you can be in presence by interacting with those that are in front of you, creating new experiences along the way.
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For years I’ve had this experience of “missing Christmas.” Sure, I was there physically, but my attention was never fully on the season and all the festivities that come with it. Christmas Day would come, and I would be swallowed up by a sense of sadness, not only because it’s over, but because I didn’t ~enjoy~ it. I was not in presence… I was not “in joy.”
How do I know this to be true? Because I have experienced what it means to be present and fully open myself to joy -- most recently, at my wedding. When it came to the festivities of that incredible weekend, I was focused on being fully present for it all. For me, this meant not having a phone, relinquishing all control to our planner, and allowing everything to be exactly what it needed it to be, rather than what I wanted it to be. The result? A weekend beyond our wildest dreams and memories that will last a lifetime.
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How can I presence myself and become open to the experience of joy?
When it comes to bringing myself into presence, I start with asking myself, “where am I located?” I do this with my eyes closed, while taking an inventory of my body. For example, when I am in the kitchen preparing dinner, I usually find that I am out ahead of myself, located in front of my body. A good tell for this is when I am running into things or nocking things over.
Once I’ve identified my location outside of presence, I will take three deep breathes and say things that are undoubtedly true to my experience now: “I am in the kitchen.” “I am holding a spatula.” “Maybe I should get a new spa… NO.” “I smell the onions sautéing.” “I feel the rug under my feet.” “I am here.”
After this, I open my eyes and resume my experience, taking it all in as it is happening around me. This process has been extremely useful to opening myself to joy, and also shifting myself out of states of anxiety.
I plan to dive into presence in more detail in future posts, but want to share a few more resources for presencing…
The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle
Restoring Resourcefulness: Presencing, The Foundation for Conscious Living
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I would be remiss if I did not mention the near enemy of joy: foreboding joy.
“When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. No emotion is more frightening than joy, because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster. We start dress-rehearsing tragedy in the best moments of our lives in order to stop vulnerability from beating us to the punch. We are terrified of being blindsided by pain, so we practice tragedy and trauma. But there’s a huge cost. When we push away joy, we squander the goodness that we need to build resilience, strength, and courage.” – Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
When feelings of joy wash over me, I’ll often get a little nudge from an inner voice that says “yeah.. for now,” or “sure.. until ___ happens.” I have come to understand that this is what Gay Hendricks refers to as the “Upper Limit Problem.” When we reach our “upper limit,” or our capacity to hold the experience of joy or happiness, our mind will respond by introducing something to bring us down to a more “suitable” level that we are accustom to. This usually means counteracting “feel-good” hormones with more of those stress hormones.
The good news here is that if we don’t give in to the negative thoughts or feelings that arise in moments of joy, we can increase our capacity for joy and happiness. It’s like training a muscle. I am not saying to ignore the thoughts and feelings. Rather, acknowledge them and notice that they have nothing to do with the present moment. Appreciate their concerns and send them on their way.
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I realize the majority of this has been about how to open yourself to joy and what isn’t joy, but that’s just it. Joy isn’t something that can be defined as much as it can be experienced.
It’s not something that can be chased. It is something that has to be felt in the moment. I can remember how joyful and special it felt like to spend Christmas my husband and our families for the first time, but I can never truly feel that experience again. What can I do? I can be present for this Christmas and those that follow, opening myself to the joyful moments that fill those spaces.
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Wishing you all the best this holiday season, and I look forward to sending more good stuff your way in the New Year.
Thanks for reading!
If this post resonates with you, I would so appreciate your sharing it with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.